switchbacks

overdose

2010-02-09T02:03:00.000-08:00

my friend's son's estranged wife's funeral was sunday
afternoon.she had been on life support for a week, after
overdosing on several drugs, and subsequent hypothermia.
she passed out in someone's driveway on a cold night;
she was left alone to die alone.
she was only twenty three.

after a stormy 3 year relationship, they finally married;
their little daughter was the flower girl at the ceremony.
she left her husband after six months, pregnant with their
second child... and abandoned the baby to be raised by
his grandmother, my good friend.
both her children have spent most of their lives living with
their father and grandparents. they both call their
grandmother "mama" and now she has taken on
that role for good.

i wish i could find some positive words to say about
samantha,but i have only known her as a very young woman,
whose words were always slurred, and whose neediness and
selfishness affected everyone around her. whatever mothering
instincts she had were lost in a haze of drugs. in a way, she had
already abandoned her children in her constant numbed-out state.
her death just ended the crooked, messed-up pathway that was
her life. no one was surprised at this accidental death;
everyone saw it coming but her...

this could be called a tragedy, yet i believe it has saved her
children from a life with a drugged, depressed, unreliable mother.
they have been living in a solid loving home, punctuated by chaotic
visits with their mother. their security and safety were threatened
in her care;she drove them with her when she was high as a kite,
took them to undesirable places, and put them to bed there while
she partied on into the night. it was always such a relief when the
kids were back home again.

i wish she had been able to pull herself together somehow;
sadly, both her life and her death were in her own hands....
i hope she has found some kind of peace.

i wrote a poem about her a few days ago, posted here.
it pretty much describes such a sad, short life, full of chaos
and drama ,and her attempts to numb the pain.

-full circle-

my childhood was a living hell with awful drug-fueled fights
i hid under the covers, while my parents screamed all night
i was nothing
i was nothing

now i'm a grown young woman with a husband and a kid
and i swore i'd never do like my own parents always did
i am something
i am something

i loved my little family, my daughter and my man
he tried to keep me happy, he held my trembling hands
i had something
i had something

my childhood demons followed me into my grown-up life
i couldnt feel his love for me and i couldnt be his wife
i want something
i want something

the only way to numb myself was just a little hit
soon little hits were big ones and depression seemed to quit
i feel nothing
i feel nothing

my life is falling all apart and i dont even care
'cause everything looks better while i'm flying in the air
i need nothing
i need nothing

i want, i feel, i am, i cry, i crave but i cant see
the pain i'm causing others and the chaos that is me
i need something
i need something

now i float above my body in the freezing midnight air
i look down and i see me on the ground below me there
and i feel nothing
and i feel nothing
and i feel nothing...

Loss

2009-12-20T04:24:00.000-08:00

i have written here several times about old animal companions,
and how i would cope with their loss. now, i have had to deal with
an unexpected death-- and i am devastated.

"poppy"-my beautiful young dark horse, was killed thursday evening
by a speeding car. a dead tree had fallen onto the fence, and they
had gotten out. i almost had them both back home safe. the sheriff
and EMT's had all their lights on to slow traffic, but apparently the
driver didnt notice. she was standing on side of the road with her
front feet just into the lane. the car was going so fast that the impact
broke her neck immediately. she did not suffer... for her sake, i am
so very grateful. i was holding my other horse, and it happened
right in front of us.
i'm so afraid i'll never NOT see what i saw, ever again.

if this was a lesson, it is that life is ephemeral, circumstances can
change in an instant, and we need to give our love every day to ALL
our dear ones...as much as we can, while we can.
i am very very sad today.

better late than never

2009-12-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

since i began writing in my Live Journal blog [ http://johanna-lea.livejournal.com/]
i am guilty of gross neglect of 'switchbacks'... with my botanical musings on ilona's
garden journal, and literary efforts on L/J, i believe i have too many blogs in one basket!
still, i want to preserve this expression of my spiritually mundane musings....
i will, indeed be returning here in 2010 to write another chapter...
in the meantime, as we approach the winter solstice, and the shortest day,
it seems so fitting that Christmas comes with the returning of the Light.

- Birth -

in starry silence...

while the whole world lies dreaming

in perfect stillness.

renewal

2009-10-05T04:29:00.000-07:00

i have been floored by our summer heat and humidity these past months....after very
early morning watering, i retreat to the [relative] coolness of indoors and multiple fans.
by 9 AM the sun's full face rises above the treeline and everywhere is illuminated. often it
leaps from 70' to the eighties ++ within the hour. sticky humid air is right behind, and it
feels like you are wading through hot molasses! all life slows down its pace radically
in the hot summer sun. plants wilt to preserve their water within and even the trees'
leaves droop and flutter limp in the occasional hot breeze.

during my time indoors. i devoted my time to art and poetry, and occasional,
much-needed periods of house work. my time online is much reduced... to messaging,
and posting on ilona's garden blog....mainly complaints about the heat =)
i have also revived my Live journal blog
(johanna-lea@ livejournal.com) for my creative writing efforts.
AND in the meantime -switchbacks- has been grossly neglected. perhaps i have
too many blogs in one basket; i felt the need to separate the writing into loose
categories: creative writing, gardening, and my general life musings here....

with autumn's coolness finally upon us here in the south, i have experienced
renewal on many levels. my time outdoors has increased by leaps and bounds.
long woods walks with my dogs, fall yardwork, and all the neglected tasks of summer
consume my days. now my thoughts turn to getting ready for the winter necessities.
firewood stacks and hay supplies for the horses are on my mind. it is the time for
action, and not rumination...
in winter, the cozy heat of the woodstove will pull me back to my writing chair.
this blog will be renewed as well, as i'll have much to say about the winter chill =)
til then, enjoy the perfect weather of autumn, wherever you are.
it is by far, my favorite time of year, and i am headed out the door.

vty, j-lea

reprieve and grieve

2009-06-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

A reprieve is a suspension of or time allowed before the coming event is carried out.
i have been writing of my fears and anxieties about the elderly animals that are in
my care. the issue of when to let go has been much on my mind the last few months.
as consideration of this decision has become increasingly important, so has my
recognition of my own attachments and feelings about death. although i dont fear
death, that the "me" will no longer exist doesnt really bother me.... i am much more
concerned with the absence of my dear old friends in my life. although memories of
the heart do fade, and a new friend comes along, the sadness before a loss can be
worse than the event.

the past week, i was given both a reprieve, and a loss.... my little dog has congestive heart
disease (he is 11). my vet says there's not really damage, just fluid build-up as the aging
"motor" slows down on the job.
the best news is: it's treatable. i had been more and more apprehensive about
his health, and i failed to take action.... worrying can treat nothing.
i wish i had taken him sooner, as he is back to his semi-active normal state.
beagles sleep alot, as do all dogs in georgia summers.
hopefully he will have a good healthy life from now on; i will certainly have more
time to play with him, take walks, love on him, and make every day count. he is
probably more grateful to chase rabbits in the garden again. he's slower, but he feels good!

the loss was the death of my ancient little mule. i have been expecting this for the last
year or so; she was 30 years old, and losing some weight, but her mischievous spirit
never changed. she loved tobacco....a friend that worked here over the years had
always given her a (filterless) cigarette. she would still run to meet him and try to
pick his pocket with her lips searching for her 'smoke'. i am sure her hee-haw scared the neighbors; out in the woods it was the dreadful sound of a honking, snorting monster...
but if you called her, she'd call you back. i dont think she was suffering, but it just came her time.
i still miss hearing her voice in the wilderness.

so i am over my chapters of geriatric animals... and my ruminations will turn to other
things, for awhile.... i see my google ads are animal oriented. i wonder if they'll change when
i write about my bonsai, or the atlanta "water wars"?
this period of angst has reminded me to be thankful
every day for all the gifts i have been given.
life is ephemeral after all, so live it and be well.

vty, j-lea

premonition

2009-05-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

i have just written about elderly pets in my last post. my little dog has been having
breathing problems the past two nights and i am taking him to the vet tomorrow.
it may be signs of a heart problem ( damage to the heart muscle from a serious
snakebite almost two summers back) the fluid buildup is treatable with diuretics, if his
heart isnt too affected. i can only hope for that reprieve. on the other hand,
if it is because of potential lymphoma, i dont have much time left with him, or any
choice but to let him go. i will not subject him to chemo poisons for another 6 months
of life. he is 11 now, and has had a good happy life chasing rabbits in the fields.
i hope i have the strength to make the right decision for my little friend: it will be one
of the hardest things in my entire life.

to top it all off-- my border collie, the junior of the pack, has been bitten on the
nose by a copperhead today. although bites from this snake aren't usually fatal, they
cause great pain and swelling. i have been sitting with a very frightened dog who
cannot lay her head in my lap for comfort. i treated her with benadryl for swelling
and baby aspirin for her pain...
essentially the same as the vet did for my little dog. infection is a potential side effect,
as the swollen tissue can necrose, but she is young and strong and i feel she will be fine
within a week.
her crisis has provided unwelcome stress, but has kept my mind from worrying
about tomorrow's trip. as i said before, we are their stewards, and their lives are in
our hands. we owe them the best life we can give them, and to care for them even
in illness or in their passing.
i am very afraid tomorrow i will be called to love my pet to death.

vty j-lea

treatable

Very old friends

2009-05-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

i have lived with geriatric animals since i was young. every one of our family pets lived
long after their time to die, with my mother refusing to just let them go....we had a family kitty
with leukemia, who was hand fed a rich liquid diet of vet-food through a syringe to
the very sad end...they say feline leukemia is like kitti-AIDS. my mother would never give
up, although i suspect her many attempts to keep pets alive was deeply rooted in her own
attachment issues and fears of death. over the years she has done this prolonged-life process
with many, many pets. she has spent more money on vet bills than
almost anything else in her life. to what end? i never quite understood.

for the 35 years that she has lived in her current home, she has always had at least two or three
small dogs; she also took in many stray cats....
my brother and i have seen time and again her inability to part with each pet, from heart problems to old-age blindness, crippling arthritis to cancer. in their prolonged lives, they weren't
necessarily in pain, but were not comfortable anymore except in her lap, or curled beside her napping on the sofa. although their security was my mom's constant presence, mommy cannot be there all the time; their 'pain' was more emotional, needy for her warm hands to pet away their discomfort.

as my brother and i have been away from home for a very long time, i know that she has continued this over-nurturing of aging pets. they are her children, and i cannot fault her
for that . she no longer is a" mommy" except to the animals dependent on her. many older
people do keep pets as substitutes for grown kids, and sometimes as their only friends...
our pets are great comfort to us; often their companionship is very needed in a lonely life.

in my own life, here on the farm, i have had to deal with the reality of life and death- both
with my own animal buddies, as well as my livestock. over these many years,
i have had to make decisions about putting down an ancient pony, and my dear old milk
cow. i have had to part with a few friends myself, both dogs and cats...some illnesses, some hit
by cars, and some in old age. the decision of when to help a geriatric animal kindly into
a natural death, or the necessity of helping them out of their pain by putting them down
IS one of the hardest to make. we who hold that power over our loved ones lives hold
the eventual pain as well, in the end....

last year, i lost my 11 yr old. airedale terrier, my clownish friend and the dog of my heart.
it was quite sudden; she had a heart attack and lived about half an hour. it was a huge shock,
but my comfort was that she bounced around til the day she died, and she did not suffer long.
i now live with two geriatric dogs (13 and 11) also a very old halfblind mule...
these thoughts are frequently on my mind these days, as they are all in the endingtime of life.
if it takes a long time for old age to run its course, i do not want them to suffer in ANY way.
we must provide good care for their wellbeing at every stage in their lives. often the decision to let them go is so very painful; those like my mother will keep them alive far too long, with medications, special food, and many vet visits to soothe their own fears.
as witness to this sad prolonged process, i have very strong beliefs about this issue.

my deaf old aussie shepherd is slowly going blind, yet still runs and plays and walks the pasture
with me eagerly. i have resulted to exaggerated hand gestures to communicate with her.
my old stumpy beagle/shi-tzu cross ( don't ask!) had a cancer scare last year, but he has enjoyed his reprieve and still hurries out to hunt the fields for rabbits every day...the vet says this shadow is everpresent; he's highly likely to develop symptoms again, that may progress to a "decision point" rather quickly. i am so not ready to lose either one of my dear pals.
i have had to consider my thoughts and beliefs, so i will have a clear decision to stand on
( despite my emotions) when the time comes. we are their stewards, not "owners" and we must remember this responsibility carries through all of their precious lives.

i suppose this is something we all face, as we outlive pet after pet. our grief must be
tempered by the fact that we have chosen best for each one that we have been lucky to
walk with every one on our life-pathway. as time passes, we have relationships with many animals for a reason; they show us again and again the power of unconditional love,
in its purest form....
in turn, we owe them that same love and should honor that generosity of spirit.

i hope i have the love and courage when the time comes for my old friends. vty j-lea

old friends die hard

2009-05-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

this past weekend, a couple old musician buddies were playing a gig nearby, and asked to
stay at my house rather than make the hour drive back home. these are good friends;
i have spent many nights staying up with them after hours...often all night. like any
good actor will tell you, after 5 hours of performing, you are"up" and very high on the
endorphins released by entertaining the crowd; going right to bed is an impossibility.
i woke up @ 5 AM and found them playing old songs. their guitar and fiddle and
smalltalk had been politely quiet. Once again i was in a past place that felt like home,
so i settled in to sing harmony, and socialize.

i love to sing and they swear they love me singing...i found my confidence has not atrophied, at least with these guys, and we did everything from 'my girl'-'you win again'-'rollin in my sweet baby's arms' to 'brown-eyed girl'-'fire on the mountain'- 'drift away'-' i saw the light'- 'watchtower' and 'knockin' on heaven's door'-' islands in the stream' and 'take it easy'.
whatever one of us began, we all fell into song.
cigarettes and beer are part of their world....and so very not part of mine.
but the joy of singing harmony again, plus the "old-times-sake"
familiar feelings, carried me away until the morning light.

this is the time of day that begins mine, and ends a musician's all-nighter. i began to
see how drunk and out-of-it they both were, as i picked up the many many beercans
and emptied overflowing ashtrays. first one, than the other gave up. one took over
the spare bedroom and the other my couch. immediately i opened the windows wide and let
fresh air clean the stagnant room....

i began to notice how toxic the atmosphere seemed to be in my house.
although i love them both, and the singing was the most fun i'd had in awhile
i was truly ready for them to leave. i cannot imagine a life that is so overwhelmingly
full of self-destructive behavior-- every weekend, year after year after year.
these men have been playing the professional music scene since their 20's. now
they are both early 60's.. both look older, and so much worse for the wear and tear
on their bodies. they are riding in the fast lane towards an early end. i worry
about them both. diabetes/heart problems/ulcers/emphysema, take your pick.

as the morning went on, the uncomfortable energy became more apparent to me.
i realized again how toxic that behavior was for me, and why i stopped hangin' with
the band, and why i left it behind. although i'm neither a drinker or smoker, energy sticks.
this song describes it well: "dim lights, thick smoke, and loud loud music"...
i dont want to participate in that reality, even for a night.
( actually an early evening might be ok, but not the inevitable all-nighter)
it is a sad thing-- as entertainers , they make us feel good, but the true effect on
their own lives is pure poison.
proximity breeds bad habits, and bad energy, which in turn
feed on and encourage eachother. a vicious circle for sure.

i really love these men, but after they drank their coffee and hit the road
( early afternoon) i felt the need to "clean" my whole house. it seemed they left
some foul miasma behind...even the smell of heavy cig smoke was a reminder.
i opened every window and door in the house.
i walked around burning incense, and asking that that energy leave my house.
AND, i was praying for them with every step. although it is the path that they
have chosen, they are well past the "die young-stay pretty" time in their lives.
i will always wish them well: old habits and old friends die hard.
vty, J-lea

small inspiration

2009-04-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

Re-post from L/J blog imported 4/22/09:

"Attention is love, what we must give

children, mothers, fatherss, pets,

our friends, the news, the woes of others.

What we want to change, we curse and then

pick up a tool. Bless whatever you can

with eyes and hands and tongue. If you

can't bless it, get ready to make it new "

by Marge Piercy

salutatations and importations

2009-04-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

i have been writing a blog a@ Live/journal on general philosophical and temporal thoughts...
things real and not-real; the japanese call it the from the"dreaming world", and the
aboriginal native people of australia view their life purpose as a dreaming of the "songlines" that
hold the world together, in proper order. i am a poet and i love wordplay and writing
in any form, perhaps excepting ojibwe, urdu, korean and textspeak.
and any other indecipherable( to me) forms of communication... i recall many
elements of "newspeak" from "1984" by george orwell. although i am still
living in the past of real mailboxes and physical letters inside, i have willingly
( with xtreme help,and many pushes and shoves towards) entered into the
cyberworld, with its blogging and e-speak and the short n' sweet byts of twitter.
so far, i rate it: doubleplusgood, or i imagine in txtspeak: ++ good.

ay any rate, i have imported the L/j blog into my -switchbacks- blog here at blogger.
certainly, apologies are in order, having already written enough posts with some
overlaps of subjects, huge phrases,and ideas. i am old enough to repeat myself %D and i did.
....still i am a wordy person, sometimes the same ideas come
around into my consciousness in some new context...these i return to again and again.
other than these warnings,i will say that my tangents are usually caught soon enough by the
'inner editor's' watchful eye, and i try to rein them in to brief and interesting. hopefully.

i am looking forward to being linked here, i also write a 'guest' gardening blog
on ilona's garden journal
(http://ilonagarden@blogspot.com/ discussing primarily our good green earth,
growing things and nature's beauty, concrete info-generating, tip sharing and an
all around great forum to dialog about the vast world of gardening experiences.

as far as -switchbacks- as i said in the greetings post, anything goes into this blog
stew pot, cooks til the flavors combine, and becomes the the word soup
that we as writers cook up. here's hoping for a tasty mix!
once more, looking forward to lively dialog and electric discussion
in this brave new world.

vty, J-lea

greetings and salutations

2009-04-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

i am a writer, collage artist, organic gardener and farmer,
photographer, and compulsive haiku writer...only a few of the
many"hats "that i have worn in my life, as well as those on my head
right now. i am also a creator of bonsai, and have a lovely, but
unruly collection of little trees. their culture teaches me patience,
and calm thoughtfulness. i live with livestock, 3 dogs, 2 goats and an
old halfblind mule.... i own two horses, morgan and
quarterhorse mares. both are young and beautiful; they
take off full of high spirits, running wild and free across
the pasture like little children at recess. the morgan, Poppaea
looks just like the "Black Beauty" of my childhood reading.
she is as spirited, strong-willed and flighty
as my quarterhorse horse is gentle and laid back.
i am learning to train Rosa, the Q/H; she is three yrs. old
and we are learning together. so far we are both doing well.

i live in a 100 yr. old farmhouse( wood heated ) on pre-civil war homestead
land. it was the home of the local doctor, built in 1906, who was considered
quite"affluent" in our little community. the house is plain and rambling,with
a deep wraparound porch. inside is always dark, and cool- a deliberate design
for georgia summers. as i dont have A/C either, i feel it works pretty well.
it is a typical one-story old southern house, but in the mantles, trim and
elaboratly carved front door there are touches of fine detailing and a
craftsman's work. many souls have been born here, lived and died here;
the house creaks and pops at night. i have lived with these noises for 23
years now and they seem friendly comfortable creaks. what i assumed
might be ghostly are the sounds of an old house, settling in the night.

i have had this house and farm for 23 years now, and i will be
its last resident. i have found my "place", and my life-path within this
small, private, green world; i will tend it and enjoy it for the rest of
my days. it is a quiet peaceful country life. living with livestock, as well as
sacred space for my creative self are only a few of its many rewards.
it's puzzling to my city friends why i live so simply--in such a drafty
old house, always carrying wood in winter, or sitting on the porch on
a hot summer day. they have not lived here, in all its beauty...
i think the modern sealed-off climate-controlled way of life is much
worse; for the most part, folks rarely spend much time outside.
to me, nature's absence in"modern" lifestyles is such an incredible loss.

i write much about my life on the farm, as well as many other
random-yet-connected topics. i have a wide range of interests,
and i hope to find connections and dialog here. this is why i have
called this blog "switchbacks". i am guilty of free-association,
wordiness, and i often zig-zag from topic to topic. like hiking a
mountain trail, i follow the path uphill, which rarely runs
straight up to the top.
thus the switchbacks become necessary; you travel farther
in steps, but you get there easier, and must be strong and
long-winded to make the climb.

and so, this is my opening greeting to the blogworld! i hope
to exchange words with many folks, but i certainly am
able to generate plenty, on my own....

best regards from the switchback Queen...vty, j-lea

inspiration

2009-04-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

"But we must try to find our True Conscience, our True Self, the very Center,

for this is the only first-rate choice-making center. Here lies all originality,

talent, truthfulness, courage and cheerfulness.

Here only lies the ability to choose the good and the grand,

the true and the beautiful."

brenda ueland ( from 'If You Want to Write')

goodbyes

2009-04-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

once upon a time 20 years ago, i walked a path with a man who seemed fated for me. we were immediately
drawn to eachother. our chemistry, quick wit and wordplay were our tender weapons as we found our way
into eachother's hearts. i found a great teacher and lover in this dear man.....we had a child together, a surprise
guided solely by fate and not by reason. this most holy gift brought me such joy, and changes in my life that
i never had expected were possible. to me the word 'mother' was an enigma.... but children come to teach us that
our own childhood assumptions arent always true; that pure, unconditional love is possible in life.
our son has grown into an impressive young man, hardworking, loving and giving; he is a musician
and songwriter, as well. he has the biggest heart, and quick intelligent wit just like his father.

i honor our long and loving relationship with this writing. we went our separate ways years ago.
when we parted, he sent me this poem, a beautiful expression of how loving, and life, and leaving intertwine.
yesterday was his 71st birthday, and illness is slowly taking him away, i felt strongly that i should find this
poem and send it back to him. he has parkinson's disease, and it is hard to see
him struggling with life. i still see him laughing with me out beside alison lake....
our dance is coming to an end.
i can only wish him happiness and love all around him now, and this poem is my 'letting go' for him.

-In Blackwater Woods-

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black rivers of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

i am sorry i dont know author's name, but this is attributed to him or her... with deep gratitude.

God Bless, Ray...

vty, Jo

peace with the cyberworld

2009-04-15T04:03:00.000-07:00

i have been writing of this issue in my posts here also as a guest on my friend's
garden blog... i am of a "certain age"....there are certainly many of us left who mistrust
new and unfamiliar ways of e-communication. i have already made the leap
into cybernetworking, but would still prefer walking to the mailbox for a "real" letter....
having said this, i have gained some peace of mind. the true issue
is not an issue at all, when it comes to human need to communicate.

posted from http://ilonagarden.blogspot.com ...

my latest few posts here have clarified for me this one true thing: All is Interconnected/
We are All One...on the "Web" or engaged in the web of life, the many different means of
communication all work to serve the same human needs.
my wrestling with these new e-forms of contact is part of what history would say
defines 'my generation' ( the Who song- did you think of it right off? )
we were mostly hippies, sometimes back-to-the-landers, and luddites many years ago.
some of us just stayed there...
we are the lucky ones, in these tough times IMHO. woo-hoo i have just txtspoken.

my main point here is that be it birdsong or twitter, we have a need for communication
as well as a connection to all living things. we are human, and must be interconnected;
we are simply made so!
to sit and ponder a nonexistent difference is precious time
better spent out in the yard....

vty, johanna-lea

my best friend is "Mommy" again

2009-04-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

although my circle of close women friends are for the most part past their child-bearing years, it seems to have
become a much-noted trend towards grandparents raising their grandkids. this happens for many reasons...for love, or low money, mistreatment, an absent working parent,
or simply "not-full-grown" children becoming parents too young.... as we pass
out of being "the mother" in our lives and reach the age of "the crone", it is a fitting time to find your true self again, expressing the many interests and talents that we gladly gave up,or put aside for the
raising of our children.
many blended families form extended households for economic reasons, and there are often adult sons and daughters
returning to the nest, with their offspring in tow.
often this makes good economic sense in these tough times,
however the issues of childcare can be blurred, and the responsible and more experienced, wiser
women take up their "role" again.
whether willingly or unwillingly, this is a great gift is for their grandchildren, who should be first
and foremost.

this is an age of baby-mommas and baby-daddys accepted as simply another way of life...with no real social stigma anymore in this brave new world of relationships. some young people make it just fine
out in the world ending up
in parternerships or marriages with families on their own. others just linger in the "failure to launch" mode, stuck in the world of their youth, quite content at home... just adding some new offspring to the parental nest.
more often than not, it's work, school or just plain lazyness that requires grandparents to step in
and help out, with babysitting and childcare.

where the lines blur between "helping out" and "raising" grandchildren, loving grandparents often find
themselves trapped into old familiar roles that they have long left behind....both loving, yet resenting their grown kids'allowing this to happen...
it is truly a conundrum of pure love... do you give all you can give to your dearly loved grandchildren, while your own grown kids 'do their thing'...
or do you turn away and allow life's cruelties, and relentless circumstances to play themselves out as they will. there arent many entirely "happy endings"
with either choice you make. it is the children of dysfunctional families that always suffer, so how can you turn out the adult children and "say go make your own way"....sometimes that way is straight to the hell of chaos, poverty and drugs. an awful fate for young children with ignoring,self-concerned young parents.

held hostage by the innocent victims that you truly cherish. you are often the main source of pure,
sweet and untainted love for them. this is the beginning that children need at a tender age, in order to be able to cope emotionally with life as they grow up.
the conscientious choice to put their children first is often lacking in today's young adults, who just reproduce, with little thought of how they will handle their own lives.
in that respect, they are still children too, and the badly need to get their own lives together....
in order to have any successful "family " on their own.

i am writing this "sunday sermon" for my best friend, who is lovingly captured by her dear grandchildren.
i feel is she is saving their lives. she is "Mommy"....period.... to her 2 1/2 yr.old grandaughter and has also taken over the mothering of her dear and darling 5 month old grandson, from the time he was born...
all the while their mother and father
still carry on the drama and fighting that is their life. i see how very wearying the daily care of two very young children affects her entire life... she is often tired and overwhelmed, as any mother would be.
but just try on that hat @ 55!!
once she told me her "Mommy glands" are atrophied....in undertaking this sacrifice of her time and energy,
she is a true example of the good Mother, willing to go the distance because of real love, no matter what it takes.
it is a puzzle she must work out daily, but in my eyes she is a small saint......working small miracles.
there are too many grandmothers out there who share her story, in some form or another.
always try and give them a hand when you can, even saints get tired, and need a nap....

much love and respect to you, patti.

vty J_lea

best april fool's jokes, again

2009-04-01T02:49:00.000-07:00

the early morning awakening of more rain beating on the roof didnt help....my first answer to writers block ?
pretty much sums it up for me..... haiku for fool's day:

-vanity-

in early light look
deep into the cruel mirror.
where's that spring chicken?

-reality-

this tough old bird will
make strong tasty soup,
full of gristle and joy.

vty, J_lea

Writer's Block: No Foolin'

2009-03-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

looking into the mirror @ 5 AM. no spring chicken here, i should have ended up in the stewpot quite awhile ago.! however, i wear my tough-old-bird persona with pride....
the age in your eyes cannot over-ride the joy and wisdom in your heart.

abandoning stewardship of our waters

2009-03-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

WE are our own predators.... far from the "stewardship" we were given in "the Garden", we wear the
'greedy hat ' all over the planet! its not enough to blame GMO's or fertilizer/chemical-companies, coal-fired electric plants and rising
carbon emissions from too many millions of cars and trucks.
we need to take a good long look in the mirror.. it is our own overpopulation, as well as
our rampant and astounding consumption
of the resources in our world.

one of the biggest issues for our future on this earth is the "ownership"of water.
out West, every drop of the colorado river already belongs to some entity, plus most every city
down the line to LA. it is true of many big rivers and reservoirs in the dry western states.
as frequent drought has moved east, and closer to my world, there is the big
atlanta/ alabama/ florida battle over allocation of the water in chattahoochee-eufala-apalachicola river system. this has been a very long-time controversy, ongoing since i heard about it from the local folks'
accounts of changes in the Bay and their fears about it, back in'98...10 years ago, now.

one of the most productive estuaries in the one of the last of the living 'big bays' is in
trouble...mostly from insufficient fresh water: the effects of longterm severe
drought in the South, as well as receiving the concentrated yuppie urine etc etc. from upstream.
the apalachicola bay ecosystem is slowly suffering; once so bounteous, and full of life... the fish,
the birds, and the shrimp, crab and oysters are now slowly trying to readjust to the increasingly saline waters, as well as to man's increasing presence and pollution
of the surrounding environment.
unfortunately, abundant bay life stems from the proper ecological balance of
fresh and ocean waters...
which is fluctuating and diminishing more and more every season.
when you read the apalachicola (end-of-the-line) side of things in the florida news-
papers there is much more clear reporting of the issue....rather than our current
governer's ignorant and uncaring remarks about "them 'lil' ole mussels are just gonna have to
crawl a little farther to get to the water". up in lake lanier country, they choose their huge boats
over the health of the river's path elsewhere. their belief seems to be simply use and abuse,
forgetting the connection to all the waters of this living earth.

this whole story brings me such grief, if only for the memory of how incredibly beautiful the
florida 'panhandle' area was when i was first there(1978) the closest i will ever get to paradise. totally wild and undeveloped, full of migrating birds, butterflies and huge dragonflies.
no people, a wilderness upriver like a tarzan movie, with big palms, cypress and big alligators.
the bay waters were fertile and clean in eco-balance with the salty sea.
oysters galore, gathered and eaten right out of the bay, with no fear of the many
parasites/bacterial infection/algae blooms(red tides) present in the overworked waters of today.
long gorgeous bare white beaches beside the placid gulf waters..
did i mention no people?

the "people-in-charge", the fatcats and suits, should remember that our greatest resource is water. that its loss means death for us all, just like the air we breathe. these precious resources should be free, our rights to them paramount.
definitely forever OUTSIDE of ever-present monetary considerations.

i picture a world where those in big business have to wear red ' greedy hats '....
they are shaped like catholic bishops mitres, only not so big or nice.
i want to know who they are, and who to watch out for.....
it would be nice to see all those wall st. capitalists and brokers and CEO's
and bankers involved required to wear this proof of identity while they desperately
scramble to pick our pockets like india's beggar-children

a haiku for today:

Capitalism , Communism..... we all do wear the ' greedy hat '

form or function?

2009-03-30T01:57:00.000-07:00

i have been continuing to twitter haiku every morning, some are in classic 5-7-5 syllable form,
but in twitter you cannot really tell.... there is no ordering of words, other than a straight line of byts.
when i realized this, i began
writing more for the words themselves, than the word-form of 3 lines.
often i found myself using the 'fusion' form of haiku
just the17 syllables that relate a clear 'real' moment or a tiny revelation of grace.
even in my brief communications with "friends", i write in 17 syllables, always.
so far, it has been an excellent morning "brain gym",   as stimulating as the coffee.....

i've played around with haiku for a very long time, exchanging them with various friends and fellow
writers over the years. nothing tops a good game of haiku; the "conversation" becomes brief
and beautiful, right-to-the-point... often, over time, even addictive.
although twitter is a medium for fast connections and links, and comments on what the world is doing at
any given moment....each morning, my "what are you doing" is writing haiku. it's a nice combination of
form and function; i often ponder which is which as i count syllables on my fingers. what am i doing right now?
i am temporally writing haiku, in e-world......... as spiritually as i can.

i wish now that i had kept track of every one, on postcards and old papers , scribbled on the back of an envelope
while driving......endless exchanges of beautifully precise poems. i have held onto many, and once more, as i re-read them,
i see how the process functions to reduce the babble and tranquilize the monkey mind.
writing haiku allows a practice of poetic consideration to both focus and relax your mind.
these deliberately concise images convey the beauty of all life in just a few words.
this form of poetry, gives the both the writer and the reader the experience of a tiny 'Aha!' moment.
its brevity and its beauty are understandable, and quickly realized.
i believe haiku teaches each of us to reduce the external noise, and fully apprehend the beauty
of the present moment....between form and function, it makes no difference in this very
small bit of the dreaming-world.

-vernal-

i hear the voices,
the sandhill cranes returning
from southern winters.

vty, J-lea

seeds and metaphor

2009-03-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

sunday seed sermon posted by johanna_lea @http:// ilonagarden.blogspot.com/

spring song in darkness

2009-03-23T03:22:00.000-07:00

here in the south, it is the time when spring peepers sing the hallelujah chorus in every ditch, pond and puddle. their voices
swell, ebb and flow beginning @ around dark-thirty. later,if you happen outside in the cool night air, they're still partying out there...
as in every living being's life cycles, this is their window of opportunity..... "hallelujah! hallelujah!" ....an orgy in each puddle.
on some nights the warming air keeps them at it at such frantic levels, it actually gets louder, fuller. a great wild party full of pheromones, and lovesongs , wild dancing.... been there, done that . and a very
good time was had by all. 'nuff said...

i have written my twitter haiku about this very subject . latest this AM:

flies, women and song...
these tiny little peeper guys
have got it made.

i find a sort of perverse pleasure in hanging this daily haiku practice on the newest, shortest and most superficial, self-important, e-quiktrick medium yet..... we think and communicate in shorter and shorter byts.
the concise haiku form fits quite well. they're 'Hi-brow tweets' (is that an oxymoron?)
what has become of us, who still actually write stuff in notebooks!
twitter is fluff, it is simply "much ado about nothing"---but if i can write for a year, i might have a book deal outta it... hah!
an entire year of daily "what am i doing right now " .....which is haiku.
enjoy the spring singing.    right at this very minute, the hallelujah chorus is being sung on NPR!!

vty, J_lea

p/s if you haiku, too. my twitter name is 'ndawnis'    an ojibwe word for daughter. come out and play.

Tossed Salad Society

2009-03-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

it appears that my recent "salad days" post has inspired my gardening friend and e-mentor,
(and this old friend) to conceptualize.... re: a new society of fresh green creative thinkers.
although we are most definitely TOSSED, and are pulled in so many different directions in our daily lives,
our renewed friendship, and common interests seem to be spawning many new plans and concepts.
"what if" and "transforming into" becomes" when and where, and how?"

i have already created a collage for a logo, or even a tshirt.....we sit in a big bowl of good fresh salad stuff,
elegantly sipping champagne ( perrier?) this new 'birth' has no set goal but to unite fresh green 'tossed' people....
find eachother, and create dialog and conversation about our many new ideas. we will certainly enjoy the
project together, whichever path it may take will be interesting.

i'm certain this rush of inspiration and enthusiasm comes with the return of spring. as the air becomes
soft and warm and breezy, we naturally come out of hibernation( "where is the nearest honeybee tree?")
and begin another yearly cycle.
i am definitely a winter low-light , low-moodish being, but i'll now come to the sunlight, looking
for new ways to grow and change.... as long as these waves of inspiration last, i'll surf 'em.
fellow tossed salads, unite!

vty J_lea

salad sermon

2009-03-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

i wrote here of reconnecting with a dear friend from my long ago "salad"days---i suppose that can
be read as "fresh, young and green"---- but as we catch up, i am noticing that "salad days" have
very little connection to youth; we discuss them freely like the mature hens that we are. it is more
the freshness or newness of a project, a garden plan, or a new direction followed....or a new
decision made-for-sure! we all have many small changes that we make daily, without attention
to what the results may be. living thoughtlessly is its own punishment.

if we can just retain that freshness of mind, and that creative spark that keeps us charged with energy,
then our life's path--long and winding and full of ruts--stays lively and full of hope and wonder
at the unique beauty of it all.. we wake up eager to see what's up ahead around the bend,
rather than cringing fearfully at what each next day might bring. no one can "tell" this truth to
others; we are often just drawn to contented souls, and witness the joy within them; in observing
their way to happiness, they show us hints of the good-lived life by their example.....
even those elderly garden ladies, in their gloves and straw hats busy at planting the new
entrance to the senior center, are living with joy and creating a flowerbed that none may even
live to see develop into its full beauty. it is a good feeling to live full of hope.
living in present time allows you full rich enjoyment of every small moment in each day, each season
or even each passing year. what is past is alive only in memory.
and by our own hand, we write each new chapter.... by the many "fresh, green" thoughts
that come to us, and that we proceed to bring to fruition in our lives.

for those that are bored, or living dull repetitive lives, or perhaps deep in a rut with no way out,
the ability to climb out, or break through is within all of us. it is how we direct our attention, with love
and gratitude to be alive that bring us into alignment with the the possibilities of living out our
"salad days", sometimes every day. no matter what our life brings, the positive possibilities of tomorrow
can still take root in our busy minds. leave the low expectations alone, 'cause that's all you will get.

much love and many thanks to my friend and sister, who has inspired me out of my winter shell
into such springish anticipations. i think fate has brought us back to each-other to be mutual catalysts.
for the gift of these "salad days", i am both grateful to you and honored by your enthusiasm.

small affirmation

2009-03-14T05:01:00.000-07:00

i found a B/w copy of one of my very first collages,from very way back... i had experimented
periodically..... long before it became a passion. i have no idea where the original is.
nevertheless, it was this bit of poetry that grabbed me, so i put dozens of 15th century angels
all around the text. mood was celtic ethereal. i want to pass it along, for it is really our intention,
and where we focus our attention that reveals to us the direction of our life's path.
these words address that so very well. enjoy.

"Attention is love, what we must give

children, mothers, fathers, pets,

our friends, the news, the woes of others.

What we want to change, we curse and then

pick up a tool. Bless whatever you can

with eyes and hands and tongue. If you

can't bless it, get ready to make it new..."

by: marge piercy

wordplay

2009-03-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

i just discovered a daily haiku community here a@ L/J.....have written haiku for many
years, both traditional form ( 5-7-5, 17 syllables - 3 lines ) also Fusion haiku, american style with 17
meaningful syllables, more freeform, not as rigidly arranged, as within traditional format .
since both require concentration, and express images beautifully, i write them in both ways .
its the whole concise image that interests me, altho if i can fit a composition into traditional
japanese form, i usually choose to...
when i am in a writing state, and find myself creating haiku, i often find myself speaking
in haiku, as well. this brain adaptation to a practice is fascinating.
i am certain that songwriting produces this too, or any poet working in certain form, rhythm or meter.
i will say something, then count on my fingers, perhaps refine a bit, and there it is.

i decided to try to post a haiku daily as my twitter posts. it has been a fine way to communicate
what is my world and that what i am doing is haiku. it's a discipline for my mind as i watch
the morning unfold. hmmmm

morning unfolding
witness to each new day's light
i worship at dawn.

pale misty warming light
wakes the horses as they doze,
rise, shake and shine.

to me both forms are small, lovely bits of a moment, and with translation from japanese to
english often adding more syllables, i accept and enjoy writing in each style.
each is a precise little expression from my busy mind; they give me focus as
i have my coffee and begin a new day.

so my goal is to continue to twitter in haiku. i am new to both these forums, but one must
not linger in the olden days before "social networking" and electric friends.

twittering haiku
marriage of old and new forms
births new creations.

tweet tweet, i am here!
mixing old and new concepts
can bring great delight.

i think i'll use one of these @ twitter this AM....will be returning here to prose form directly.

connection without connection

2009-03-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

it has come to my attention that i have no idea what tags are. i just noticed my tag lists are more like subtitles than searchable info-bits.....i'm ignorant, as well, as to the exact nature and protocol of the interlocked web of "friends" within the web.
although i have used email for ever so long, but not much else online, the new "social networking" aspect of the internet is very odd territory.
i am learning by doing, and observing the many clues that these new forms require in order to interact.
it's like being at my first jr.high dance. who's gonna ask me to dance, and how do i follow the steps?

actually, the social aspect is rather strange. you cannot just just say hello to someone, as you would at a
party...you must friend, or invite to be friended, with formal invitations by email, all ways to keep things
secure and private. which is the opposite of how human interactions happen.

imagine a really interesting guy at a friend-of-a -friend's party ( in "real" life, people). if you wanted to meet him
by e-rules, you would ask your friend to ask her friend to invite him to converse. then he would accept his friend's invitation,
at which point she would convey to your friend that its ok, and then your friend could invite him
to friend you.... whew.

my ideas about doing a blog were to enter into e-society, to expand my horizons beyond this small
country community where i have lived for years,
and to find some interesting interactions with new and different people, with like-minds and/or different ideas.....rural living is a great gift, but there arent coffee shops closer than 25 miles down the road. sometimes the brain needs "refreshing".
i find this new writing space so strange and interesting. is it truly any different than writing in
a journal beside the bed, for only you to see? it seems more like hanging flyers on telephone poles
along the roadside.
my intention is to follow through in this curious medium, just to see what i can see...... and say what i can say
and i suppose, see what i can say.....ad infinitum. vty, J_lea

spiritual guides

2009-03-09T01:43:00.000-07:00

after writing about bonsai. i realized that my description of them was pretty good metaphor for spiritual truth.
there are many little steps and tiny cuts on life's path to inner peace. true care and cultivation and appreciation
are a daily practice which is never-ending.... so too, is the way to live with faith. good practice and love are necessary
elements in our lives. we thrive on gentle thoughts and deeds. the gift rewards both the giver and the recipient.
the love and attention that we give to our own family is so like the the following of a little tree. all are present in our
lives to remind us to live with no expectations. we will find our way through every twist and turn and broken branch.
the process of our lives continues, whether we reach a goal or not. failure and heartbreak are part of the whole,
but with mindful and loving care, we can turn each problem towards another solution.... take what we can,
and prune the rest, or proceed in an entirely new direction....life goes on.

cultivation of time and patience was my way into a faith in the future. the earth heals and re-heals herself
constantly, with every growing life following in turn through the seasons. our lives unfold like any other
changing, living thing. let the past fall away, tend your garden in present time, and keep good
thoughts about the road ahead. just like a little tree, many changes will come, and add to the beauty of it all.

on the other hand, when darkness descends and we live in shadow, it is hard to see any beauty around you.
in these times, keeping to the practice of attention to our loved ones, in every form, heals and tends to the
inner self as well.
it is at this point where faith in life can pull you through back into Light..... and hold you there.

little trees

2009-03-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

i have kept and created bonsai trees for the last 20 years. i still have the first one i ever bought, a mini boxwood grove from a roadside stand in florida.
i have the very first one that i made myself from a seedling.... it is now a lovely ,open -style
pink- flowered crabapple that presents with tiny red fruit every couple of seasons. early on, my focus was just on collecting....finding nice trees and adding them to my benches.
i have four "really good" specimen trees that i purchased from growers or other collectors.
these can be quite expensive, and these trees are older and grander as they've aged; they have
served as templates for my first attempts at shaping m.y own trees.
just learning their care and cultivation was enough to absorb when i started out with bonsai.
they are little trees, hardy and rugged, treated the opposite of most "common knowledge" about
growing plants.

as i began to make my own trees, i was astonished at all the little details involved in guiding
their growth progress, their shape and their small branches.
one must develop good pruning and specific repotting skills, as well as practice the ability to visualize the end result and the path needed to get there.
the process of making and tending bonsai is one of much time and many tiny cuts, always looking,
considering and studying the form of each tree.

my "eye" for trees improved during my first experiments, as did my confidence. i began digging things up in the woods, a cow-chewed american holly with a wide trunk, eaten down to 7"tall,.a small but old azalea that a neighbor wanted to get rid of....a rooted branch off the big chinese quince in my backyard....
each with its own little puzzle to work out, with no real right or wrong way to put it all together.
i learned a valuable piece of advice from an old bonsai friend--"always follow the shape
and growth of the natural tree"--- if it is bowed and bent by nature, by all means make a crooked tree.
do not try to make a cascading tree from an upright young hardwood.

Bonsai is an art form as creative and fascinating as any other means of self expression.
the one major difference is in the element of Time.
a painting or a collage takes perhaps a day, or two......a photograph an even shorter period.
with the advent of digital technology, we can now have whatever we want with one click...

tending bonsai teaches patience.....for nature gives to each its season....and time passes in
its annual procession through every time of the year.
no super-fertilizer or pulling on their roots will make them grow faster or better. each tree has its own timeline and grows slowly
into its own unique shape, forming and turning with the years. the act of creation is an ongoing progression....it changes and changes, but never comes to an end, for as long as there is life
left in the tree.

it is in the 'making' and not in the 'made' ... where we fully enjoy the bonsai. like the natural
world around us, they reveal such beauty in the cycles of the earth.

remembering

2009-03-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

i have re-connected with a friend from ancient times -6th grade!- who has brought both great joy
and old memories into my life, at a time when i could use the lift from daily life and all its baggage.
we seem to find and re-find eachother over these many years.... on our paths, although widely divergent,
we still found similar passions and interests; they allow us to slip effortlessly into our friendship
as if we hadnt been gone at all. the nature of such a surprising gift is the mark of a true friendship.
i have been very lucky to have many true friends in my life. an extended family, so to speak....
i visualize a web of lovingkindness of which i am an honored member. i partake freely of their
loving energy when i am in need, and freely give my love and support back to all.

so along comes the beautiful one, a catalyst for what has been the next steps towards being a 'real'
e-presence and putting my art out there for all to see. as well as long lively conversations, i value her
knowledge and kindness at sharing it all with me. we were both creative 12 year-olds, her interest was
art and i was a writer. i can remember walking to school deep in serious discussion of what our
lives would be like, our expectations, boyfriends, and demon mothers.
each time our paths crossed, we had new discussions about new things we had encountered....kids, homeschooling, growing food, glorious flower gardens....

now i find that i have followed the muse into collage art, and she is networked and writing profusely--well versed in technology and deeply engaged in her writing about her many
interests online. we are far, far from those jr high girls, we are now seasoned women, with
new memories to create. i am doing alot of writing, and she's thinking about making art.....

i am grateful and glad to begin still another chapter....... thanks, i. your pal, j.

mirrors

2009-03-04T00:15:00.000-08:00

i live with dogs and horses, three of each....it has been said that dogs reflect their owners' personalities.
horses are also very good at tuning in to your moods and feelings, so they are mirrors,as well.
case in point: my dogs are #1 manic,obsessive,eager to please, runs all day, a herder and guardian of livestock
#2 calm, intelligent, psychic, sweet natured, has never, ever done anything wrong in her life---a perfect dog!
#3 very loving, lazy, voracious eater, rabbit hunter, bed sleeper, barks at the moon.

horse#1 gorgeous, classy, intelligent, flighty, wary , excitable, a spirited sensitive beauty.
#2 extremely calm and gentle, fearless, steady, loves people like a puppydog.
#3 is an old mule,blind in one eye....very smart/stubborn (duh) long loud vocalizer, constantly.
a voice in the wilderness. walks slow and stands around alot. doesnt move much, she's an old gal.

i suppose it is a sort of transference, or just reflected in my descriptions of them, but i can see
these qualities in myself. i am bipolar.... so i have many moods. when i am very creative, i am #1.
excitable, with very high energy, often nervy and irritable, but hardworking and very social as well.
my main mood these days has been #2.....i am a very open gentle person, i seek calm as a center,
and ( aagh) i take my meds.
i am still creative but less wildly possessed. i get enough sleep!! living in the middle....its ok.
#3 i consider my downside.....i am self-indulgent, spend too much time wasting mornings on email and coffee, low motivation, love to harmonize with radio songs. get stuck in stubborn inactive mode....
give me a warm spot and a book and i'll not budge for hours. i am at standstill, "frozen." i dont
move around much and feel like an old gal, stumbling around in the dark.

since i am sort of reclusive, and live out in the country, i will take my reflections where i find them.
i dont know if it's true, but it's my truth.

greetings and salutations

2009-03-03T02:56:00.000-08:00

i am a collage artist and writer. right now, i am writing the story for each work- i have 74 pictures so far, and this journal
seems a very good place to display and explain my pictures, both to others as well as to follow the imagery back to a sort of unconscious process in myself. have studied art history, been a photographer all my life, but never have been so instantly
captured by the muse as when i did my first work, three years ago. i have ideas about marketing some of this work, but the process of making it is always the main kick, for me.
i am somewhat private person, but bringing this into the light will
be an interesting exercise in self-exposure, and hopefully self-knowlege. submitting my creations to the wide-open eyes of
the e-world may yield valuable comments/ shared experience. so hello....glad to be here. J_lea