overdose

my friend's son's estranged wife's funeral was sunday
afternoon.she had been on life support for a week, after
overdosing on several drugs, and subsequent hypothermia.
she passed out in someone's driveway on a cold night;
she was left alone to die alone.
she was only twenty three.

after a stormy 3 year relationship, they finally married;
their little daughter was the flower girl at the ceremony.
she left her husband after six months, pregnant with their
second child... and abandoned the baby to be raised by
his grandmother, my good friend.
both her children have spent most of their lives living with
their father and grandparents. they both call their
grandmother "mama" and now she has taken on
that role for good.

i wish i could find some positive words to say about
samantha,but i have only known her as a very young woman,
whose words were always slurred, and whose neediness and
selfishness affected everyone around her. whatever mothering
instincts she had were lost in a haze of drugs. in a way, she had
already abandoned her children in her constant numbed-out state.
her death just ended the crooked, messed-up pathway that was
her life. no one was surprised at this accidental death;
everyone saw it coming but her...

this could be called a tragedy, yet i believe it has saved her
children from a life with a drugged, depressed, unreliable mother.
they have been living in a solid loving home, punctuated by chaotic
visits with their mother. their security and safety were threatened
in her care;she drove them with her when she was high as a kite,
took them to undesirable places, and put them to bed there while
she partied on into the night. it was always such a relief when the
kids were back home again.

i wish she had been able to pull herself together somehow;
sadly, both her life and her death were in her own hands....
i hope she has found some kind of peace.

i wrote a poem about her a few days ago, posted here.
it pretty much describes such a sad, short life, full of chaos
and drama ,and her attempts to numb the pain.

-full circle-

my childhood was a living hell with awful drug-fueled fights
i hid under the covers, while my parents screamed all night
i was nothing
i was nothing

now i'm a grown young woman with a husband and a kid
and i swore i'd never do like my own parents always did
i am something
i am something

i loved my little family, my daughter and my man
he tried to keep me happy, he held my trembling hands
i had something
i had something

my childhood demons followed me into my grown-up life
i couldnt feel his love for me and i couldnt be his wife
i want something
i want something

the only way to numb myself was just a little hit
soon little hits were big ones and depression seemed to quit
i feel nothing
i feel nothing

my life is falling all apart and i dont even care
'cause everything looks better while i'm flying in the air
i need nothing
i need nothing

i want, i feel, i am, i cry, i crave but i cant see
the pain i'm causing others and the chaos that is me
i need something
i need something

now i float above my body in the freezing midnight air
i look down and i see me on the ground below me there
and i feel nothing
and i feel nothing
and i feel nothing...