overdose

my friend's son's estranged wife's funeral was sunday
afternoon.she had been on life support for a week, after
overdosing on several drugs, and subsequent hypothermia.
she passed out in someone's driveway on a cold night;
she was left alone to die alone.
she was only twenty three.

after a stormy 3 year relationship, they finally married;
their little daughter was the flower girl at the ceremony.
she left her husband after six months, pregnant with their
second child... and abandoned the baby to be raised by
his grandmother, my good friend.
both her children have spent most of their lives living with
their father and grandparents. they both call their
grandmother "mama" and now she has taken on
that role for good.

i wish i could find some positive words to say about
samantha,but i have only known her as a very young woman,
whose words were always slurred, and whose neediness and
selfishness affected everyone around her. whatever mothering
instincts she had were lost in a haze of drugs. in a way, she had
already abandoned her children in her constant numbed-out state.
her death just ended the crooked, messed-up pathway that was
her life. no one was surprised at this accidental death;
everyone saw it coming but her...

this could be called a tragedy, yet i believe it has saved her
children from a life with a drugged, depressed, unreliable mother.
they have been living in a solid loving home, punctuated by chaotic
visits with their mother. their security and safety were threatened
in her care;she drove them with her when she was high as a kite,
took them to undesirable places, and put them to bed there while
she partied on into the night. it was always such a relief when the
kids were back home again.

i wish she had been able to pull herself together somehow;
sadly, both her life and her death were in her own hands....
i hope she has found some kind of peace.

i wrote a poem about her a few days ago, posted here.
it pretty much describes such a sad, short life, full of chaos
and drama ,and her attempts to numb the pain.

-full circle-

my childhood was a living hell with awful drug-fueled fights
i hid under the covers, while my parents screamed all night
i was nothing
i was nothing

now i'm a grown young woman with a husband and a kid
and i swore i'd never do like my own parents always did
i am something
i am something

i loved my little family, my daughter and my man
he tried to keep me happy, he held my trembling hands
i had something
i had something

my childhood demons followed me into my grown-up life
i couldnt feel his love for me and i couldnt be his wife
i want something
i want something

the only way to numb myself was just a little hit
soon little hits were big ones and depression seemed to quit
i feel nothing
i feel nothing

my life is falling all apart and i dont even care
'cause everything looks better while i'm flying in the air
i need nothing
i need nothing

i want, i feel, i am, i cry, i crave but i cant see
the pain i'm causing others and the chaos that is me
i need something
i need something

now i float above my body in the freezing midnight air
i look down and i see me on the ground below me there
and i feel nothing
and i feel nothing
and i feel nothing...

Loss

i have written here several times about old animal companions,
and how i would cope with their loss. now, i have had to deal with
an unexpected death-- and i am devastated.

"poppy"-my beautiful young dark horse, was killed thursday evening
by a speeding car. a dead tree had fallen onto the fence, and they
had gotten out. i almost had them both back home safe. the sheriff
and EMT's had all their lights on to slow traffic, but apparently the
driver didnt notice. she was standing on side of the road with her
front feet just into the lane. the car was going so fast that the impact
broke her neck immediately. she did not suffer... for her sake, i am
so very grateful. i was holding my other horse, and it happened
right in front of us.
i'm so afraid i'll never NOT see what i saw, ever again.

if this was a lesson, it is that life is ephemeral, circumstances can
change in an instant, and we need to give our love every day to ALL
our dear ones...as much as we can, while we can.
i am very very sad today.

better late than never

since i began writing in my Live Journal blog [ http://johanna-lea.livejournal.com/]
i am guilty of gross neglect of 'switchbacks'... with my botanical musings on ilona's
garden journal, and literary efforts on L/J, i believe i have too many blogs in one basket!
still, i want to preserve this expression of my spiritually mundane musings....
i will, indeed be returning here in 2010 to write another chapter...
in the meantime, as we approach the winter solstice, and the shortest day,
it seems so fitting that Christmas comes with the returning of the Light.

- Birth -

in starry silence...

while the whole world lies dreaming

in perfect stillness.

renewal

i have been floored by our summer heat and humidity these past months....after very
early morning watering, i retreat to the [relative] coolness of indoors and multiple fans.
by 9 AM the sun's full face rises above the treeline and everywhere is illuminated. often it
leaps from 70' to the eighties ++ within the hour. sticky humid air is right behind, and it
feels like you are wading through hot molasses! all life slows down its pace radically
in the hot summer sun. plants wilt to preserve their water within and even the trees'
leaves droop and flutter limp in the occasional hot breeze.

during my time indoors. i devoted my time to art and poetry, and occasional,
much-needed periods of house work. my time online is much reduced... to messaging,
and posting on ilona's garden blog....mainly complaints about the heat =)
i have also revived my Live journal blog
(johanna-lea@ livejournal.com) for my creative writing efforts.
AND in the meantime -switchbacks- has been grossly neglected. perhaps i have
too many blogs in one basket; i felt the need to separate the writing into loose
categories: creative writing, gardening, and my general life musings here....

with autumn's coolness finally upon us here in the south, i have experienced
renewal on many levels. my time outdoors has increased by leaps and bounds.
long woods walks with my dogs, fall yardwork, and all the neglected tasks of summer
consume my days. now my thoughts turn to getting ready for the winter necessities.
firewood stacks and hay supplies for the horses are on my mind. it is the time for
action, and not rumination...
in winter, the cozy heat of the woodstove will pull me back to my writing chair.
this blog will be renewed as well, as i'll have much to say about the winter chill =)
til then, enjoy the perfect weather of autumn, wherever you are.
it is by far, my favorite time of year, and i am headed out the door.

vty, j-lea

reprieve and grieve

A reprieve is a suspension of or time allowed before the coming event is carried out.
i have been writing of my fears and anxieties about the elderly animals that are in
my care. the issue of when to let go has been much on my mind the last few months.
as consideration of this decision has become increasingly important, so has my
recognition of my own attachments and feelings about death. although i dont fear
death, that the "me" will no longer exist doesnt really bother me.... i am much more
concerned with the absence of my dear old friends in my life. although memories of
the heart do fade, and a new friend comes along, the sadness before a loss can be
worse than the event.

the past week, i was given both a reprieve, and a loss.... my little dog has congestive heart
disease (he is 11). my vet says there's not really damage, just fluid build-up as the aging
"motor" slows down on the job.
the best news is: it's treatable. i had been more and more apprehensive about
his health, and i failed to take action.... worrying can treat nothing.
i wish i had taken him sooner, as he is back to his semi-active normal state.
beagles sleep alot, as do all dogs in georgia summers.
hopefully he will have a good healthy life from now on; i will certainly have more
time to play with him, take walks, love on him, and make every day count. he is
probably more grateful to chase rabbits in the garden again. he's slower, but he feels good!

the loss was the death of my ancient little mule. i have been expecting this for the last
year or so; she was 30 years old, and losing some weight, but her mischievous spirit
never changed. she loved tobacco....a friend that worked here over the years had
always given her a (filterless) cigarette. she would still run to meet him and try to
pick his pocket with her lips searching for her 'smoke'. i am sure her hee-haw scared the neighbors; out in the woods it was the dreadful sound of a honking, snorting monster...
but if you called her, she'd call you back. i dont think she was suffering, but it just came her time.
i still miss hearing her voice in the wilderness.

so i am over my chapters of geriatric animals... and my ruminations will turn to other
things, for awhile.... i see my google ads are animal oriented. i wonder if they'll change when
i write about my bonsai, or the atlanta "water wars"?
this period of angst has reminded me to be thankful
every day for all the gifts i have been given.
life is ephemeral after all, so live it and be well.

vty, j-lea

premonition

i have just written about elderly pets in my last post. my little dog has been having
breathing problems the past two nights and i am taking him to the vet tomorrow.
it may be signs of a heart problem ( damage to the heart muscle from a serious
snakebite almost two summers back) the fluid buildup is treatable with diuretics, if his
heart isnt too affected. i can only hope for that reprieve. on the other hand,
if it is because of potential lymphoma, i dont have much time left with him, or any
choice but to let him go. i will not subject him to chemo poisons for another 6 months
of life. he is 11 now, and has had a good happy life chasing rabbits in the fields.
i hope i have the strength to make the right decision for my little friend: it will be one
of the hardest things in my entire life.

to top it all off-- my border collie, the junior of the pack, has been bitten on the
nose by a copperhead today. although bites from this snake aren't usually fatal, they
cause great pain and swelling. i have been sitting with a very frightened dog who
cannot lay her head in my lap for comfort. i treated her with benadryl for swelling
and baby aspirin for her pain...
essentially the same as the vet did for my little dog. infection is a potential side effect,
as the swollen tissue can necrose, but she is young and strong and i feel she will be fine
within a week.
her crisis has provided unwelcome stress, but has kept my mind from worrying
about tomorrow's trip. as i said before, we are their stewards, and their lives are in
our hands. we owe them the best life we can give them, and to care for them even
in illness or in their passing.
i am very afraid tomorrow i will be called to love my pet to death.

vty j-lea

treatable

Very old friends

i have lived with geriatric animals since i was young. every one of our family pets lived
long after their time to die, with my mother refusing to just let them go....we had a family kitty
with leukemia, who was hand fed a rich liquid diet of vet-food through a syringe to
the very sad end...they say feline leukemia is like kitti-AIDS. my mother would never give
up, although i suspect her many attempts to keep pets alive was deeply rooted in her own
attachment issues and fears of death. over the years she has done this prolonged-life process
with many, many pets. she has spent more money on vet bills than
almost anything else in her life. to what end? i never quite understood.

for the 35 years that she has lived in her current home, she has always had at least two or three
small dogs; she also took in many stray cats....
my brother and i have seen time and again her inability to part with each pet, from heart problems to old-age blindness, crippling arthritis to cancer. in their prolonged lives, they weren't
necessarily in pain, but were not comfortable anymore except in her lap, or curled beside her napping on the sofa. although their security was my mom's constant presence, mommy cannot be there all the time; their 'pain' was more emotional, needy for her warm hands to pet away their discomfort.

as my brother and i have been away from home for a very long time, i know that she has continued this over-nurturing of aging pets. they are her children, and i cannot fault her
for that . she no longer is a" mommy" except to the animals dependent on her. many older
people do keep pets as substitutes for grown kids, and sometimes as their only friends...
our pets are great comfort to us; often their companionship is very needed in a lonely life.

in my own life, here on the farm, i have had to deal with the reality of life and death- both
with my own animal buddies, as well as my livestock. over these many years,
i have had to make decisions about putting down an ancient pony, and my dear old milk
cow. i have had to part with a few friends myself, both dogs and cats...some illnesses, some hit
by cars, and some in old age. the decision of when to help a geriatric animal kindly into
a natural death, or the necessity of helping them out of their pain by putting them down
IS one of the hardest to make. we who hold that power over our loved ones lives hold
the eventual pain as well, in the end....

last year, i lost my 11 yr old. airedale terrier, my clownish friend and the dog of my heart.
it was quite sudden; she had a heart attack and lived about half an hour. it was a huge shock,
but my comfort was that she bounced around til the day she died, and she did not suffer long.
i now live with two geriatric dogs (13 and 11) also a very old halfblind mule...
these thoughts are frequently on my mind these days, as they are all in the endingtime of life.
if it takes a long time for old age to run its course, i do not want them to suffer in ANY way.
we must provide good care for their wellbeing at every stage in their lives. often the decision to let them go is so very painful; those like my mother will keep them alive far too long, with medications, special food, and many vet visits to soothe their own fears.
as witness to this sad prolonged process, i have very strong beliefs about this issue.

my deaf old aussie shepherd is slowly going blind, yet still runs and plays and walks the pasture
with me eagerly. i have resulted to exaggerated hand gestures to communicate with her.
my old stumpy beagle/shi-tzu cross ( don't ask!) had a cancer scare last year, but he has enjoyed his reprieve and still hurries out to hunt the fields for rabbits every day...the vet says this shadow is everpresent; he's highly likely to develop symptoms again, that may progress to a "decision point" rather quickly. i am so not ready to lose either one of my dear pals.
i have had to consider my thoughts and beliefs, so i will have a clear decision to stand on
( despite my emotions) when the time comes. we are their stewards, not "owners" and we must remember this responsibility carries through all of their precious lives.

i suppose this is something we all face, as we outlive pet after pet. our grief must be
tempered by the fact that we have chosen best for each one that we have been lucky to
walk with every one on our life-pathway. as time passes, we have relationships with many animals for a reason; they show us again and again the power of unconditional love,
in its purest form....
in turn, we owe them that same love and should honor that generosity of spirit.

i hope i have the love and courage when the time comes for my old friends. vty j-lea